Opportunities for Advancement

Usually emo people feel like this. It's typical. Nobody understands this burden I carry. It's so lonely. The fate of everything rests on my shoulders and I'm failing. I'm bent under the weight. Woe is me. Sadness. Deep sigh. Eeeeeeeeemo.

That's not me. I don't carry the world.

I don't want it.

For one thing, there are like two creatures on the planet that don't secretly wish that you'll fail. I don't know this for sure. I'm being generous. There surely must be at least two. The whole world can't be out to get you.

Oh wait:

Sure it can.

I do not wish to insult people in the industries I'm about to bitch about. Eh, fuck it. Be insulted if you want.

1. I want nothing to do with changing diapers. I want nothing to do with lactation. I'm not interested in chasing your snotnosed brats around while you're busy tossing a salad and pretending like you're an awesome mommy because your yuppie lifestyle accommodates hiring other people to do your job.

2. Restaurants are disgusting. They're dirty. The food is the cheapest shit you can possibly find on the market, mass produced and left lurking on burners until people eat it. Odds are good the produce has been chilling in the walk-in for a week before you see it. There's no telling how many people have handled your dinnerware, cutlery, or even food. And god knows when the place was last mopped. I will not fucking waitress again for people that believe that tipping is optional- if you're unaware, waitresses make far less than minimum wage because it is assumed that they'll 'make up for it' in tips. If you're a stingy prick, chances are some single mom's kids don't get enough to eat this week. I will not wash dishes and have to squeegee food particles out of the drain so the industrial sized sinks will drain.

3. I'm not patient enough to help handicapped people. I'm sorry. This probably makes me a bad person. But I'm barely patient enough to deal with self-sufficient people. I'm sure as fuck not cut out to be a home healthcare aid.

4. I don't want to work in healthcare. Gaping wounds I can deal with. Punctures, needles, and ripped off fingernails? I cannot. Maggots? Nope. Parasites? No. Puking? No. No no no. I can't even handle digging the giblets out of a chicken in order to roast it. I had a panic attack unwrapping frog legs in a restaurant. A literal one. A hyperventilating in the bathroom panic attack. Because I could see the veins and the ligaments. Do you really think I can deal with health care?

5. My brain shuts off when I see numbers. And I'm ethically opposed to anything relating to the stock market.

Dear CNY: your employment opportunities suck.

Dear the world: you, as a collective whole, are an asshole. No, really. You've bred species that seek to destroy themselves and others. You've evolved creatures hellbent on the end of existence. You somehow managed to genetically engineer a freakishly powerful group of creatures that have no interest in self-preservation as a species.

Fuck you, world. Fuck you.

To be continued, maybe...